Without Words

The musician

Someone who puts $5,000 worth of gear into a $500 car to drive 100 miles to do a $50 gig...

What are the three worst enemies of the rock musician?
Fresh air, bright sunlight and the unbearable roar of birds. What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.

What's the difference between a musician and a large Pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

How can a musician make a million dollars playing?

Start with two million.

The vocalist

What's the difference between God and a lead singer?
God knows he's not a lead singer.

How do you know when there's a singer at your front door?
 Because he can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

The guitarist

How do you get the guitar player to turn down his volume?
Put a lead sheet in front of him.
What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.
Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
Neither did I.
Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
So the rest of the band can understand them.

Why do only 10% of guitar players make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
How does a guitar player show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a guitar player.

You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? -

You shoot the guitar player. Twice.

What's the difference between a Rock Guitarist and a Jazz Guitarist?

Rock Guitarist plays four chords to thousands of people, while a jazz guitarist plays thousands of chords to four people!

The bass player

What do you call a bass player who doesn't have a girlfriend?
 Homeless
Why do bands have bass players?

To translate for the drummer.

Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out of the car.

Why don't bass players play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.

A guitar player walks into his rehearsal room to find his drummer and bass player fighting. He breaks the fight up and asks the bass player why they were fighting. The Bass player tells him that the drummer had de-tuned one of his bass strings. The singer says " That's no reason to fight", the bass player says "Yes it is, He won't tell me which string it was."

The drummer

What do you call the guy that hangs out with musicians?
The Drummer.

How can you tell it's a drummer knocking at your door?
The knock gets faster and faster...

Why are drummers always losing their watches?

Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.

Heard backstage:
"Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"

The drummer

was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw him self behind a train.

What was the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band?

"Hey, I wrote some lyrics last night."
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.

Great Lies of The Music Business

The booking is definite

Your check's in the mail

We can fix it in the mix

The show starts at 8

My agent will take care of it

I'm sure it will work

Your tickets are at the door

It sounds in tune to me

Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall

I know your mic is on

I checked it myself

The roadie took care of it

Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo

The stage mix sounds just like the program mix

The club will provide the PA and lights

I really love the band

We'll have it ready by tonight

We'll have lunch sometime

If it breaks, we'll fix it for free

We'll let you know

We'll have you back next week

Don't worry, you'll be the headliner

It's on the truck

My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album

Someone will be there early to let you in

I've only been playing for a year

I've been playing for 20 years

We'll have flyers printed tomorrow

I'm with the band

The band drinks free

You'll get your cut tonight

We'll supply someone for the door

There'll be lots of roadies when you get there

It's totally compatible with your current program

You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck

We'll definitely come to the gig

You can depend on me