Someone who puts $5,000 worth of gear into a $500 car to drive 100 miles to do a $50 gig...
What are the three worst enemies of
the rock musician?
Fresh air, bright sunlight and the unbearable roar of birds. What would a musician do if he won a million dollars?
Continue to play gigs until the money ran out.
What's the difference between a musician and a large Pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.
How can a musician make a million dollars playing?
Start with two million.
difference between God and a lead singer?
God knows he's not a lead singer.
How do you
know when there's a singer at your front door?
Because he can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.
How do you get the guitar player to turn down his volume?
Put a lead sheet in front of him.
What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.
Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
Neither did I.
Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
So the rest of the band can understand them.
Why do only 10% of guitar players make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
How does a guitar player show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a guitar player.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? -
You shoot the guitar player. Twice.
What's the difference between a Rock Guitarist and a Jazz Guitarist?
Rock Guitarist plays four chords to thousands of people, while a jazz guitarist plays thousands of chords to four people!
The bass player
What do you call a bass player who doesn't have a girlfriend?
Why do bands have bass players?
To translate for the drummer.
Did you hear about the time the bass player locked his keys in the car?
It took two hours to get the drummer out of the car.
Why don't bass players play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
A guitar player walks into his rehearsal room to find his drummer and bass player fighting. He breaks the fight up and asks the bass player why they were fighting. The Bass player tells him that
the drummer had de-tuned one of his bass strings. The singer says " That's no reason to fight", the bass player says "Yes it is, He won't tell me which string it was."
What do you call the guy that hangs out with musicians?
How can you tell it's a drummer knocking at your door?
The knock gets faster and faster...
Why are drummers always losing their watches?
Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.
"Will the musicians and the drummer please come to the stage!"
was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw him self behind a train.
What was the last thing the drummer said before he got kicked out of the band?
"Hey, I wrote some lyrics last night."
What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
You only have to punch the information into the drum machine once.
Great Lies of The Music Business
The booking is definite
Your check's in the mail
We can fix it in the mix
The show starts at 8
My agent will take care of it
I'm sure it will work
Your tickets are at the door
It sounds in tune to me
Sure, it sounds fine at the back of the hall
I know your mic is on
I checked it myself
The roadie took care of it
Yes, the spotlight was on you during your solo
The stage mix sounds just like the program mix
The club will provide the PA and lights
I really love the band
We'll have it ready by tonight
We'll have lunch sometime
If it breaks, we'll fix it for free
We'll let you know
We'll have you back next week
Don't worry, you'll be the headliner
It's on the truck
My last band had a record deal, but we broke up before recording the album
Someone will be there early to let you in
I've only been playing for a year
I've been playing for 20 years
We'll have flyers printed tomorrow
I'm with the band
The band drinks free
You'll get your cut tonight
We'll supply someone for the door
There'll be lots of roadies when you get there
It's totally compatible with your current program
You'll have plenty of time for a soundcheck
We'll definitely come to the gig
You can depend on me